Wednesday, May 25, 2016

God's Strength

So if you read the previous post, you'd know that I struggle with an addiction related to my past. Well, for the past two months, I've been getting better and I've been trusting God, and whenever I was tempted, I would call to God. But the past two weeks, I've been weak and failing. And I've been feeling so dirty, no matter how many times I've begged and pleaded God to make me clean. I've been constantly praying Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

Last night was the worst.

I can't tell you how many times I've begged God to help me, to give me His strength.

I am held captive where I shouldn't be held captive anymore.

It's time to break free.

I need only 2 things: 1) God's strength and 2) my trust in Him.

So from this day, May 25, 2016, I am going to fight for my spiritual life. I am going to put on the armor of God. I am going to break free. I am going to forgive myself as God has forgiven me. I am not going to listen to that voice in my head that says it's okay. I am going to trust only God. I will constantly ask God for His strength.

It's about time. . .



God's strength and grace and love is really all we ever need in life besides the physical needs. He is all we need. And I've been leaving Him, and doing my own thing, and thinking that I'll be okay. I'm not okay. But with God's help and strength, I'll do better. And I just need to trust Him, and constantly pray.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Fighting addictions

(NOTE: If my first few paragraphs seem disconnected, they will connect later in the post)

In my last post, I resolved to not listen to Taylor Swift and other artists like her. Well... I didn't keep up that resolve. No surprise. I was so determined, yet so weak. I am weak. And back then, Taylor Swift was my addiction. Well, I'm over that addiction. But now I have another addiction to get rid. And that addiction is a result of my past mistakes.
My past mistakes... I talk about them a lot. Why? Cuz they've impacted my life in a way that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't done them. But those addictions I had in my past, have caught up with me (indirectly) and I'm addicted to something again.
My music choices resolve from January was going really good! Until I started listening to Taylor Swift on the radio again. Then I started listening to other artists again. And I failed. Again. And I listened and did the same thing I did when I was listening to it: I'm not listening to the "bad" music and I'm still listening to Christian music. But me saying that is kinda like a person saying, "Oh, I live this way but I go to church on Sundays, so I'm okay." Let me tell you this: IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!!
Then I started exposing myself to other stuff on YouTube. And then I wanted more and more. And now it's bad habit to do it.

And I can't stop.

Two things influenced me to this point: my excuses, and my music choices. I'm that kind of person that is so easy to manipulate and so easy to influence. Everything I see influences me in either a positive or a negative way. Mostly negative when it comes to music and TV.  My music choices led me to make excuses.My excuses led to me to do more. More led to more. Then, I was addicted.

I need help.
I am failing.
I am going downhill in my relationship with Christ.
Only one thing can save me: Christ. My relationship with Christ, the one that's going downhill, can save me. I just need to depend on Him. I need His help. I need accountability. I need to remember my resolve.

If you're battling an addiction or a bad habit, DON'T WAIT TO GET IT FIXED. DON'T ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH IT! Cuz then if you enjoy it, you'll want more and more and then... BOOM! you're addicted. DON'T WAIT!! Go to Christ immediately! It'll take time and lots of patience and lots of love and lots of accountability, but it's so worth it!

Monday, January 4, 2016

No Turning Back

So a lot lately, I've been excusing my love for Taylor Swift and Maddie & Tae and all those other random artists and songs. Who are all secular and don't sing of good things. Sure they might not sing of bad things, but that's not the point in trying to make here. But my excuse was, they don't sing of bad things like sex or drugs, and I can't expect the world to act like Christians. But you know what? They sing of hate and anger and revenge and partying and rebellion, and they even imply that they have sex -- just imply. Even Taylor Swift, who's the "good girl" of the music industry and Hollywood.
But last night, I was listening to Adele with my best friend B in our church bathroom. Then a woman who I respect and love came in and asked us what we were listening to, whether it was Christian or secular. She began to talk to us, not lecture, about how a little bad in something good can be poisonous. And usually I would just dismiss her opinion as an opinion and not a fact, but that night I just couldn't get it out of my head. And I'd been feeling God just tugging at my heart saying, this is what's wrong Heidi, just give it to me. For so long I'd been hearing God's still, small voice. I wasn't willing to give God my all. For so long, I'd been hearing God call me. I heard and answered the call to be a missionary back in February, but I wouldn't give my entire life to him, cuz then I thought I wouldn't have any fun. The biggest thing I couldn't give him was music and other obsessions. A few weeks ago, I gave him my obsessions except my music.
Last night, I finally surrendered everything -- every. Thing. Including friends and music. And just before I made that life changing choice, I'd heard "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus." Like, wow, God! And I honestly have now. I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. No turning back.

Who knew that a little conversation could impact me so much?

God, everything you do is in perfect timing. The year is just beginning. You are amazing. What a way to start the year! Thank you for everything you do! My lips will continually sing your praise!

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Two more things

In my last post, I was telling y'all how God has been teaching me a lot of things lately. Well, here are TWO more things I've been learning from God. (More like three, but two are wrapped up in the first point here.)

  1. Burdens. A couple weeks ago, I told this annoying guy at my church how I really feel about him: he disgusts me. But apparently, he didn't take it to heart. He's still a jerk, he still flirts with me and every girl, still makes inappropriate jokes, and still insults people on a regular basis. I got the lecture from my mom and sister in-law about words. I mean, I know how powerful words are, but I mean seriously. It's not like I yelled at him. But I took what my mom and sister in-law said to heart. And since then I've been trying to think before I speak, especially around him. My point here is, this guy is a burden in my life. So are many other people, like Obama, "Christians", and just idiotic people. (Idiotic people to me are people who support Obama and Hillary Clinton. You know what I mean.) Lately, the argument about the Starbucks holiday cup has gotten Christians angry and offended. Just because the cup is red and "not Christmas-y enough." Seriously.? Christians are supposed to be loving and filled with Christ. Those outspoken Christians are ruining Christ's and His followers' reputation. They fight for a cause more than they fight for a person. They are self-righteous. That is not what Christians are supposed to be like! We are supposed to put Christ first, not a cause -- no matter how honorable the cause may be. The fuss they put up is not honoring to God. And those kinds of people are my burden. My burden is to love them, to be Christ-like to them, and not to get offended by their offense. And in order for that to happen, I need to be open to what God is teaching me.
  2. Loving others. Yes, I kind of covered that point already, but this is a little different. Lately, my best friend B has been going through a rough time. And I've always been here for her, and she's always done the same for me too. And I tell her this every time we speak. But I don't know if I've truly been a good friend for her lately. I tell her how much I love her, how I'll never leave her side, how God will never leave her, then a couple minutes later I'll post something and tag her in it. Something that relates to us. Telling her how much I love her. And this is kinda a confusing topic: what should I say? Yes, I should tell her something funny to lift her spirits, and tell her how much I love her, but I can over-do it, especially now. I know you can never over-do telling someone how much you love them, but is there a limit? Does that make sense? Like, I'll tell her how much I love her, but then a minute later, I'll tell her how great she is a friend for me. Like I'm selfish type of thing. Love isn't selfish. I do truly love her, but I shouldn't tell her how much she is great friend, comparing her to others. That's selfish and wrong. So I shouldn't be selfish, but I also let up on telling her how much I love her.

Tuesday, November 3, 2015

So many things

Sorry I haven't written in a while. God's been teaching me a lot lately. Like a lot.

  1. So, last month we had revival services at my church. That week, God taught me a lot about prayer: that we should pray for His glory, that we should pray for His Name to be glorified, that His kingdom be spread, that His Will be done. Lots about prayer. Sometimes I feel like I can't pray. Like I want to, but I'm not able to. As if, a mute button was pressed on my praying. And I didn't know why. But God revealed to me that I had sin in my life that wasn't taken care of. Sin keeps us from doing what God wants us to, like praying and spreading the Gospel. And now, as I do my devotions, I still want to pray, but I don't. And that's my sin: knowing I should, but still not doing it. God has revealed a lot about prayer.
  2. God has been showing me about myself too. Who I should be and what should be doing. 
  3. You all know I have a past that I'm not proud of. Well, a lot lately, I have been struggling with something related to it. And this giant in my life I can't seem to get rid of. And then God convicts me of it, and then I confess it and "repent" it. And then I'm good for a few weeks. Then it tempts me, and I give in again. And the cycle continues. (The temptation comes when I'm busy doing something, like school or devotions, so it distracts me.) But last Wednesday, I did it again. And I ended on my bedroom floor, in fetal position, bawling my eyes out. I was so convicted. Since then I have been tempted, but I haven't given in because I start reciting verses to myself and singing hymns. And I begin to think, Why didn't I do this in the beginning?! Since I repented, my prayer life has been better. I can't explain it. It's like God has awakened me again. And it's amazing. Yes, I don't pray as often as I should, but I pray more often than when I was in that sin. And God has been changing my life. Usually I don't like talking to people about this, cuz then I start to think about it and I fall back, but I've found lately that talking about it makes it easier to deal with cuz I know people will pray for me and also relate to me. And it's amazing what God is doing!
  4. I have been feeling God's call for me to be a missionary. I mean, I felt that God called me in February, but lately there have been missionaries visiting my church and I feel the call beckoning me more and more. So I've been looking for opportunities to go somewhere, like missions trips and working at camps. And next year, I have an opportunity to work at a camp in northern Wisconsin. But my parents are still thinking about it, cuz the camp is 9 hours north of us. So we really have to think and pray about it.
Well, four things may not be a lot, but it's a lot for me! And they're big things in my life that are going to change me! And it's been hurting a little cuz of things that going to be change and nobody likes change; but it's still so amazing!!!!!

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Words

Tonight I truly learned the power of words. I knew how much words can hurt because I've been on the receiving end of both encouraging and hurtful words. I've also been on the giving end. Encouraging words I've given, and some hurtful I've given. But I guess I never learned my lesson. I mean, all those hurtful things I said were to my sister and we've made up. But tonight I quite possibly might have lost one of the best friends I've ever had. All because I couldn't keep my stupid mouth shut.
The Bible has several verses about the tongue. The tongue can be used for:

  • Hurt
         -Psalms 52:2; 64:3,8; 78:36
         -James 3
  • Worship
         -Psalms 71:24; 119:172
         -Philippians 2:11
         -1 Corinthians 14
  • Encouragement
         -Proverbs 10:31; 12:18; 15:2; 17:9
         -Ephesians 4:29
         -1 Corinthians 14
         -James 3
  • Love
         -Proverbs 17:9
         -James 1:26
         -James 3

The tongue is very powerful. James 3 explains several things about the tongue. And it's very impacting and really makes you think. Does what I say really effect people in that way? Is my mouth under control?
Well I can tell you this much: mine definitely isn't.
I have an attitude, and that effects how I talk and how I act. But thankfully, God told us that there is hope for our mouths. It can only be controlled by Him. If we let Him do His thing in our lives, then our words will change. And they will be encouraging, and not breaking down. And I looked up Bible verses full of wisdom about restraint. 
Proverbs is full of verses about the tongue: how powerful it is, what it can do, and its effects. And I brought some with me:
  • Proverbs 10:19; 15:1; 17:28; 18:21
These verses are about restraint. How powerful restraint can be too. Words are powerful, but so is silence. 

Think about your words. Are they what God wants them to be, or do they break people down?

Wednesday, August 26, 2015

The Impossible

So when I take showers, I like to listen to music. And today, as I was listening to my iHeart Radio Britt Nicole station, Kutless' song "What Faith Can Do." And it usually plays a lot. But today I actually listened to it. And I listened to it because I've been worried, and afraid lately because that friend that I mentioned in "Life Happened" is coming up this weekend and she has to give back some stuff of mine that I lent her a couple years back.
In the second verse, it says, "It doesn't matter what you've heard, impossible is not a word, it's just a reason for someone not to try..." That is so true. There are only two impossibilities in the entire universe:

  •  God cannot ever sin. For Him to sin is an impossibility. 
  •  Someone cannot ever lose their salvation. If they were to lose their salvation, it would mean that God broke His promise, which would mean that He would sin! Which stated above, is an impossibility.
And the Bible clearly states several times, "For with God nothing shall be impossible." 
And faith is asking God to do something great. So many things in the Bible happened because the people in involved had faith. You can turn just about anywhere in the Bible and find a story in which people had faith. One story that immediately comes to mind is found in Joshua 10, when Joshua and the Israelites are fighting the Amorites. This story might not be familiar to you so I'll tell it. 
Joshua had just defeated the city of Ai and another city called Gibeon had surrendered. And five kings heard of it. They wanted Gibeon back. So they made an alliance, and fought with Joshua. God told Joshua not to fear. And the army ran away from Joshua. But they kept fighting and Joshua asked God in verse 12 to make the sun and moon stand still. So God made the sun and moon stand still for a whole day. And Joshua won the battle.
So... faith. There are so many stories in the Bible. Abraham and Sarah; Abraham and Isaac; and so many other stories. In Hebrews 11, known as the Hall of Faith, you can find many of the famous ones. But there are so many more. 
Faith is very powerful. Hebrews 11:1 says, "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." It's a very good reason why Christianity has lasted so long, despite all the persecutions and politics and making it illegal in many countries. People have faith to go to those countries, willing to be persecuted and tortured. But they know and believe that through all their persecutions, Christ will be glorified and souls will be saved. Faith is very powerful.
So if faith is so powerful, why don't we ever have it and use it? Sometimes life can be a real pain, and we think that it's all over, but it's not. God keeps us alive when we're facing troubling times because He knows that we can be used for His glory and that we can make it through. It just takes belief.
Much like Job. God let Satan send trials into his life, and Job made it through. Why? Because he believed that God was still good and that there was a reason for his suffering. 
And sometimes, people give up and commit suicide. And God doesn't want that. I bet that when people do that, He asks them, "Why didn't you have faith in me? I could've brought you through if you had just had faith and let me do my work." 
For the longest time, I didn't have faith in God. I kept asking Him, "Why?!" It wasn't for years that I began to have faith, that I began to trust Him. And now, as life happens, I'm beginning to trust Him more and more. 

There are so many examples in the Bible. Go look them up and read them. God put them in the Bible for a reason. You have a purpose. Don't lose faith in God just because life gets you down.