Wednesday, May 25, 2016

God's Strength

So if you read the previous post, you'd know that I struggle with an addiction related to my past. Well, for the past two months, I've been getting better and I've been trusting God, and whenever I was tempted, I would call to God. But the past two weeks, I've been weak and failing. And I've been feeling so dirty, no matter how many times I've begged and pleaded God to make me clean. I've been constantly praying Psalm 51:10 "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me."

Last night was the worst.

I can't tell you how many times I've begged God to help me, to give me His strength.

I am held captive where I shouldn't be held captive anymore.

It's time to break free.

I need only 2 things: 1) God's strength and 2) my trust in Him.

So from this day, May 25, 2016, I am going to fight for my spiritual life. I am going to put on the armor of God. I am going to break free. I am going to forgive myself as God has forgiven me. I am not going to listen to that voice in my head that says it's okay. I am going to trust only God. I will constantly ask God for His strength.

It's about time. . .

God's strength and grace and love is really all we ever need in life besides the physical needs. He is all we need. And I've been leaving Him, and doing my own thing, and thinking that I'll be okay. I'm not okay. But with God's help and strength, I'll do better. And I just need to trust Him, and constantly pray.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Fighting addictions

(NOTE: If my first few paragraphs seem disconnected, they will connect later in the post)

In my last post, I resolved to not listen to Taylor Swift and other artists like her. Well... I didn't keep up that resolve. No surprise. I was so determined, yet so weak. I am weak. And back then, Taylor Swift was my addiction. Well, I'm over that addiction. But now I have another addiction to get rid. And that addiction is a result of my past mistakes.
My past mistakes... I talk about them a lot. Why? Cuz they've impacted my life in a way that I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't done them. But those addictions I had in my past, have caught up with me (indirectly) and I'm addicted to something again.
My music choices resolve from January was going really good! Until I started listening to Taylor Swift on the radio again. Then I started listening to other artists again. And I failed. Again. And I listened and did the same thing I did when I was listening to it: I'm not listening to the "bad" music and I'm still listening to Christian music. But me saying that is kinda like a person saying, "Oh, I live this way but I go to church on Sundays, so I'm okay." Let me tell you this: IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY!!!
Then I started exposing myself to other stuff on YouTube. And then I wanted more and more. And now it's bad habit to do it.

And I can't stop.

Two things influenced me to this point: my excuses, and my music choices. I'm that kind of person that is so easy to manipulate and so easy to influence. Everything I see influences me in either a positive or a negative way. Mostly negative when it comes to music and TV.  My music choices led me to make excuses.My excuses led to me to do more. More led to more. Then, I was addicted.

I need help.
I am failing.
I am going downhill in my relationship with Christ.
Only one thing can save me: Christ. My relationship with Christ, the one that's going downhill, can save me. I just need to depend on Him. I need His help. I need accountability. I need to remember my resolve.

If you're battling an addiction or a bad habit, DON'T WAIT TO GET IT FIXED. DON'T ENJOY YOUR TIME WITH IT! Cuz then if you enjoy it, you'll want more and more and then... BOOM! you're addicted. DON'T WAIT!! Go to Christ immediately! It'll take time and lots of patience and lots of love and lots of accountability, but it's so worth it!

Monday, January 4, 2016

No Turning Back

So a lot lately, I've been excusing my love for Taylor Swift and Maddie & Tae and all those other random artists and songs. Who are all secular and don't sing of good things. Sure they might not sing of bad things, but that's not the point in trying to make here. But my excuse was, they don't sing of bad things like sex or drugs, and I can't expect the world to act like Christians. But you know what? They sing of hate and anger and revenge and partying and rebellion, and they even imply that they have sex -- just imply. Even Taylor Swift, who's the "good girl" of the music industry and Hollywood.
But last night, I was listening to Adele with my best friend B in our church bathroom. Then a woman who I respect and love came in and asked us what we were listening to, whether it was Christian or secular. She began to talk to us, not lecture, about how a little bad in something good can be poisonous. And usually I would just dismiss her opinion as an opinion and not a fact, but that night I just couldn't get it out of my head. And I'd been feeling God just tugging at my heart saying, this is what's wrong Heidi, just give it to me. For so long I'd been hearing God's still, small voice. I wasn't willing to give God my all. For so long, I'd been hearing God call me. I heard and answered the call to be a missionary back in February, but I wouldn't give my entire life to him, cuz then I thought I wouldn't have any fun. The biggest thing I couldn't give him was music and other obsessions. A few weeks ago, I gave him my obsessions except my music.
Last night, I finally surrendered everything -- every. Thing. Including friends and music. And just before I made that life changing choice, I'd heard "I Have Decided to Follow Jesus." Like, wow, God! And I honestly have now. I have decided to follow Jesus. No turning back. No turning back.

Who knew that a little conversation could impact me so much?

God, everything you do is in perfect timing. The year is just beginning. You are amazing. What a way to start the year! Thank you for everything you do! My lips will continually sing your praise!